I guess God told Mitt to impeach Trump.
That’s what it seems like, with Brother Romney standing up in the Senate getting all blubbery about his religion and God and a bunch of stuff I was honestly too bored to pay attention to.
But apparently Mitt is so tight with God that he had to vote to kick Trump out.
Which means, I guess, that all the other Republicans are going to hell.
If Archbishop Romney must vote to impeach because of his moral purity, then a contrary vote must be an indication of some kind of pact with the devil.
If God didn’t tell the other Republicans to vote to impeach, then they must not be pure enough or holy enough to hear his holy word thunder down from whatever mountain Nancy Pelosi lives on.
Nancy Pelosi, the other self-professed believer in Washington. She is so in with God and the teachings of her church that even asking her if she hates Trump is an act of bigotry against her faith that will draw a scolding lecture about how central Catholicism is to her life.
Then she storms out of the room.
Before you can ask how that applies to abortion.
But back to Imam Romney.
“I am profoundly religious,” he told the Senate, before choking up and wiping away an invisible tear.
Which is an interesting assertion for a man who, during his presidential campaign, gave one nebulous, general talk about his religion and then said he wasn’t going to mention it again.
Also, I’ve never associated any variation of the word “profound” with Deacon Romney.
But nonetheless, he has declared himself profoundly religious and he has cited that as his reason for voting against a man he hates. He had to do it, he said, because his conscience made him. His duty to God made him.
Which is all pretty moving.
And surprising, because you figure if God was that into Romney, He would make the Grecian Formula work a little more convincingly.
But back to God whispering to Mittley.
The funny thing is that God has this real tendency to whisper to us in our own voice and reinforce our own desires and assumptions.
Or maybe he doesn’t, maybe we just blame our crap on him to empower our own vain desires.
But back to God whispering to Mittleson.
You have a guy who carpetbagged a Senate seat out of Utah – “We have to vote for Mitt, he’s got THREE Mormon names!” – and his entire focus ever since has been screwing Trump and now, when the Senate votes on impeachment, it’s not continued personal spite that motivates Patriarch Romney, it’s duty to God?
That’s what he says.
And a man so “profoundly religious” that he usually levitates a couple of inches off the ground wouldn’t lie.
In a roomful of partisan politicians, each one of them playing an angle, Mitt is somehow an exception?
A guy whose family motto is “Not Quite” failed to do what a buffoon like Trump is about to pull off for a second time, a guy who got bluffed out a presidential run by Jeb The Flying Elephant Bush, a guy who got blisters on his lips from kissing Trump’s ass in an effort to get in the cabinet – that guy couldn’t be motivated by anything other than godliness, right?
When your Secret Service codename is “Sanctimonious,” does every vote have to be delivered like it’s Testimony Sunday?
Not to get too personal, but when Rabbi Romney defecates, is there an odor? Or does he just leave little jelly beans of righteousness behind him, a highway to heaven, so to speak?
Either Mitt Romney is the only man of God in the Republican Party, or he’s a lying charlatan hiding his personal spite against Donald Trump behind some feigned religious claim. Maybe a bicycle accident left him without the balls to stand up and say, “I hate Trump, he’s a snake, let’s vote his ass out.”
Certainly, anybody can vote any way they want.
But they ought to have the decency not to lie about it, and to condemn others by their dishonesty.
Because that’s what Mitt Iscariot did. By faux-tearfully claiming that his “profoundly religious” heart forced him to vote for impeachment as a duty to God, he declared that any contrary opinion was born of a lack of similar piety.
When you say, “I’m so good,” you are also saying, “and you’re so bad.”
And that’s bull crap.
Mitt can believe whatever he believes. He can even lie about what he believes. He can blame his politics and his grudges on God, if he wants to.
But he can’t speak for God in regard to any of the rest of us.
And more than 50 other Republican senators, most of whom feel like they’re on good terms with the Almighty themselves, voted a different way.
Which means that either those senators disappointed God, or Mitt’s a lying sack of crap.
And taking the Lord’s name in vain.